Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
