i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
