Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
