i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize