toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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