Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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