I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
