I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
