she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
