We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
