is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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