My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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