apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
