She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize