he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
