I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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