Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
