Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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