zippers are such a cool invention
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
