Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
