what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
