it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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