I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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