Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize