I'm really into asian looking animals
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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