why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
