I just cut my nipple shaving
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
