Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
