How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
