dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
