I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
