So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my shit smells like andre
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
