the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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