I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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