quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
