as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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