somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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