I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
