i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're a waste of cheezeits
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
