oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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