i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
