i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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