Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
