remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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