I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
