If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
