I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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