i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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