The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
