I think scott just propositioned me for sex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize