So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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