The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
