It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
