well I can't set my house on fire every night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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