True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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