dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
