So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize