Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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