I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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