maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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