it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
