Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My cat gives me a boner
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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