I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
