just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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